Friday, September 18, 2015

Here's the thing...

Last night I "came out" as sick on Facebook which was a fast and dirty way to tell most of my friends all at once.  I received a huge outpouring of love and support from them, and I really am thankful for all of it. I am so lucky to know such wonderful people. 

Here's the thing though: the all acted like its a Really Big Deal. And it is. But, also, it isn't. 

This is very hard to articulate. 

Obviously, having a GPA relapse is a huge deal. It's very serious, and getting back to remission is going tone a long, uphill battle.

But... This whole ordeal is not going to be nearly as bad as last time. When I was Sick before, it ruined just about everything about my life. I was 17, after all, and ill equipped to deal with something like a life-threatening chronic illness. None of my friends had any kind of relative perspective.  It threw off my plan (in place since I was 7) to go away to college immediately after high school. It derailed my entire career plan - I was fairly serious about wanting to be an astronaut. My entire outlook on life changed, many times. And it took a long time to figure out who my new self was, how much my illness defined me, and what my new limits were. I also had to deal with the PTSD thing. 

This time is not going to be like that. Not much in my life is going to change. I will have to spend more time in hospitals, but I've already established the Cassie who is  the Cassie with GPA. I've been her for over 10 years. 

I'm also not nearly as sick as I was. Last time I had to stay in the hospital for ten days. This time I'll be able to do everything outpatient style. I may even manage to not miss too much work. Hopefully. We'll see.

All of this is something I that I kind of have to remind myself of multiple times a day. It's not really that bad. Rather, it's not even close to as bad as it was last time. 

I have faith that I am going to be okay. I'll have to work for it, but that's life. 

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