I feel like I've let myself down and the people who are following my progress, or lack there of. I've had a lot of great feedback about what I've been writing, and it's very encouraging. More importantly, writing here is therapeutic for me. I haven't written for a week because it's been a bad week; writing about it probably would have made my week better.
The thing is, I feel like I have nothing really new to report:
Dear diary, today I was really tired. I'm very sick. It sucks, but what can you do?
Dear diary, today I was really tired. I'm very sick. It sucks, but what can you do?
Dear diary, today I was really tired. I'm very sick. It sucks, but what can you do?
Dear diary, today I was really tired. I'm very sick. It sucks, but what can you do?
Dear diary, today I was really tired. I'm very sick. It sucks, but what can you do?
Dear diary, today I was really tired. I'm very sick. It sucks, but what can you do?
Dear diary, today I was really tired. I'm very sick. It sucks, but what can you do?
Dear diary, today I was really tired. I'm very sick. It sucks, but what can you do?
What a horrible mantra.
That's not actually what I spend my time telling myself. If I have a mantra, it's "The treatment will be effective and easy. I will be well." That's what I meditate with, more or less. I'm trying some self hypnosis stuff to speed along my recovery when I finally get my treatment. I also have a magic juju ring - it's supposed to have some Native-American healing powers; my mom found it in New Mexico. It can't hurt, right? It's a very pretty ring.
I really wish magic was real. The appeal is a quick and easy way to make my health better. I know that I will get there eventually, but it's hard to be patient. I kind of feel like all I've done for the last month, two months, is wait. And I will have to wait some more for the treatment to work, if it does (and it will). In a world where instant gratification is so prevalent, sitting around for weeks and months in order to get my body to function at all. I hate being trapped in an ineffectual meat-suit, and it's nice to fantasize about a fast and dirty solution.
I really wish magic was real. The appeal is a quick and easy way to make my health better. I know that I will get there eventually, but it's hard to be patient. I kind of feel like all I've done for the last month, two months, is wait. And I will have to wait some more for the treatment to work, if it does (and it will). In a world where instant gratification is so prevalent, sitting around for weeks and months in order to get my body to function at all. I hate being trapped in an ineffectual meat-suit, and it's nice to fantasize about a fast and dirty solution.
Going through stuff like this makes it very tempting to believe in powers greater than ourselves. Call it magic or faith or juju or karma or whatever; we need something to turn to give us a sense of control or at least reason.
Some background information for those who may not know this about me: I grew up in a secular household. Neither of my parents actively practiced religion, and my brother and I grew up without any particular dogma. Our parents encouraged us to explore and research different faiths and belief systems, and I did so, but nothing ever really stood out as something I could completely get behind. Certain philosophies and ideas made more sense to me than others (eastern ideas from Taoism and Buddhism make more sense to me than a lot of western religion), but nothing as a whole really jives. If pressed to define what I believe, I will usually say I'm some combination of existentialist/taoist/agnostic. There may or may not be a God, or some universal consciousness, but I don't think it cares about me or any individual or even human kind. The universe is just too vast for that to be possible. I don't think there's any kind of grand plan or great design, and I don't think there needs to be. I don't need some great Meaning of Life to enjoy my time here; or maybe that is my Meaning of Life: to enjoy my time here, make the most of the present. I've not come to this place lightly, and I'm not likely to change my mind. I'm happy to talk about faith with anyone, but I have no interest in converting, nor will I expect you to come around to my way of thinking.
When I very sick the first time, I wanted desperately to believe in God because I wanted something to rail against, and something to turn to for answers. Or, more specifically, for the answer of "why me?" I also wanted to be able to ask for divine intervention - it would have been so comforting to believe that there was some higher power that could make everything better if only I asked hard enough and in the right way. That experience definitely made me question my beliefs, or lack there of.
Ultimately, I came out of the experience more convinced that if there is a God, it is an impartial uncaring god, and I'm totally ok with that.
That said, I totally believe in the power of prayer. Perhaps it's more accurate to say I believe in the power of positive thinking or positive energy or something like that. Prayer is a way for people to channel good thoughts and good energy, and I honestly think that can be very helpful. For me, meditation is a more effective way to channel.
I feel like I've kind of lost my focus for this post, so I'm going to stop writing. I could probably delve deeper in to these ideas, but I keep getting distracted. Having this writing buddy around doesn't really help.
She's very sweet, but why would anyone type when there are such sweet kitten ears to scratch?
If anyone wants to discuss the things I mentioned, feel free to contact me or leave comments. I haven't historically responded to comments left here, but I will this time if it means having an interesting discussion. I like discussions.
Tomorrow is my first Rituxan infusion. I'm thinking of trying to live blog it somehow. It might be the most boring live blog in the history of live blogging, but I think I'll try it anyway. So. See you guys tomorrow!
When I very sick the first time, I wanted desperately to believe in God because I wanted something to rail against, and something to turn to for answers. Or, more specifically, for the answer of "why me?" I also wanted to be able to ask for divine intervention - it would have been so comforting to believe that there was some higher power that could make everything better if only I asked hard enough and in the right way. That experience definitely made me question my beliefs, or lack there of.
Ultimately, I came out of the experience more convinced that if there is a God, it is an impartial uncaring god, and I'm totally ok with that.
That said, I totally believe in the power of prayer. Perhaps it's more accurate to say I believe in the power of positive thinking or positive energy or something like that. Prayer is a way for people to channel good thoughts and good energy, and I honestly think that can be very helpful. For me, meditation is a more effective way to channel.
I feel like I've kind of lost my focus for this post, so I'm going to stop writing. I could probably delve deeper in to these ideas, but I keep getting distracted. Having this writing buddy around doesn't really help.
She's very sweet, but why would anyone type when there are such sweet kitten ears to scratch?If anyone wants to discuss the things I mentioned, feel free to contact me or leave comments. I haven't historically responded to comments left here, but I will this time if it means having an interesting discussion. I like discussions.
Tomorrow is my first Rituxan infusion. I'm thinking of trying to live blog it somehow. It might be the most boring live blog in the history of live blogging, but I think I'll try it anyway. So. See you guys tomorrow!
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